I Don't Even Want to Give This One a Title.

If there's one thing I know about myself it's the fact that I'm a confused man. For starters, I don't post another entry just days after posting one. Just bare with me for a second now, okay? I can whine all day long here and nobody can stop me. It won't be a long one, I promise.

So I haven't been to the office for over a week and I have a presentation to prepare for plus 2 more Masters assignment to submit by the end of next week. One of which deals with my proposed Masters research and the other has nothing to do with anything! Like why the hell would you do something that wouldn't aid your research in any ways just for the sake of passing a subject? It doesn't make sense to me. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't bother me and I'm simply whining like a bitch for no reason. Hmm, I never told you I went to Krabi for 4 days two weeks ago, did I? It was fun! The place that got bombed recently, yeah, we passed that area on the way back a day before it happened. COOL. Won't post pictures though because I didn't take any. No, I'm not stupid...

I TOOK A LOT OF VIDEOS.
The others had cameras so they were in charged of pictures.

Wait, I did say I was a confused man, right? So I was at the office today and was wondering what the hell is going on with me? I had a bad weekend. I freaked out last night because I'm participating in a tennis tournament on January 18th and I haven't practised at all in the past few weeks. @#&%ing crazy, don't you think? But that has nothing to do with what I'm confused about! Why am I writing this?

Okay back to the REAL reason why I'm confused. I love psychology. Love it so much. What in the world am I doing in an environmental institute then? I can't seem to focus on reading stuff that is related to my research area. I can only think of reading other stuff 'cause I love reading the 'other stuffs' more!

Shit just got real.

Was reading +Najwa Amira Matlan 's blog the whole morning and she has some pretty good advices in it especially to Muslims. Go and check it out!

My Brain is a Murderer

"I did it not because I was angry. Nor was it a warning to tell you how angry I was. I could have stopped myself. But I didn't. So why did I do something that I know I would regret later? I'll tell you why: BECAUSE I WANTED TO"

The human psyche is an interesting thing to study. By reading a lot of books, rummaging through the plethora of information in the Internet, or even signing up for courses will give you enough knowledge you'll ever need to know on psychology. Unless you're dreaming of becoming a psychiatrist. I know I wanted to be one if not for the fact I have to memorize loads of jargon I don't intend to ever use. I prefer understanding how things work without jamming my brain. I didn't give up the dream, though. I read a lot. And I mean a lot. Up to the point of taking interest in how everyone around me behaves. I'm obsessed with the way they talk, think, eat, habits, etc. And as disgusting as this sounds, I even care about the menstrual cycle of the women I talk to.

As of late, I'm beginning to see the crazy side of myself. This obsession of mine is increasingly making my insomnia worse. I am the type that cannot fall asleep at night because my brain refuses to stop thinking. What have I tried: counting sheep, listening to extra soothing music to religious-therapy and yet, I still cannot fall asleep. And that's the least of my problems. The more I study about human psychology, the more sinister my cognition becomes. The quote above isn't from a movie nor did it come from literature. It's actually something I said after doing something so wrong, yet it felt so right. I enjoyed it. I cried afterwards because I regretted ever doing it but it soon became a cry of joy. I join in useless conversations with people not because I want to talk but I'm more interested in the way they talk and solve problems.

What really sets me off is this 'behaviour' of mine is making me more anti-social than before. It used to be me talking (real talk, not the professional-sake talk) to at least 5-6 people a day and now it's down to 1 or 2. The need to interact with people is becoming so pointless to me. Dialogues I have with the person I feel like talking to is taken place in my head. If you don't like how the real person wants to talk to you, why not make up your own, right? I talk to myself all the time. Even writing this blog makes my head dizzy because there are at least 10 different personalities in my head screaming suggestions. It is the same voices that tell me that I don't need to interact with others.

That is, of course, unless you're a lady. I have a soft heart for them. But not just any lady. The women I talk to are filtered through many specific demands my brain sets for me. Talking to them makes me feel like an attention whore but somehow I think my head says it's the right thing to do. Talking to them shuts all but one voice in my head: MINE. However their counterpart doesn't really have the same honour. I restrict my conversations with guys to those I deem as best friends. Good luck making me talk to guys or staying friends with one. My criteria for being a friend is so strict and I intend to make it stay that way.

Sometimes I sit to think what has made me become like this. I can advice others everyday and give lectures on my understanding of psychology (even in religious ways) but if I apply them to myself, I go haywire. It's scaring me. I'm honestly scared of myself now. The next time I approach you to talk, stop and think: Am I really talking to you because I want to? Because I need the company? Or are you just another guinea pig to me?

Currently there are 5 women and 3/4 guys I love talking to regularly. You know who you are.

I would like to personally congratulate Faten Najjah for getting straight As in her 2013 PMR. I never did doubt her anyway. Her blog's called Dreaming and I've always been a fan of her blog as she deals with everyday issues and always going back to religion to lift her spirit. Her post on a non-muslim studying Islam (here) is by far my favourite one so far. 

Freedom of Thoughts

DISCLAIMER: This post is NOT meant to hurt anybody's feelings or stray them away from their beliefs. I respect the people around me, even those who disagrees with what I'm about to write. I would like to apologize if this post affects you negatively. You're always allowed to provide feedback in the comments section below.

Dear readers, I plead that you keep an open mind about the subject matter. 

Sunan Ibnu Majah, Book of Sunnah. Image from http://sunnah.com/urn/1252290

I am a Muslim. It has always been that way. I have no real issue on being one nor do I have any problems with the teaching of the Quran. What seems to be the problem is the place where I come from.

I am a Malaysian. It has always been that way. My desire to migrate to another country is there but my desire to stay here is there too. I can give you 101 reasons why I should stay. Its food, its peace(-ish), its natural areas and many more.

Unfortunately one of them isn't THE PEOPLE.

In this country, if you're a Muslim you're most likely a Malay. My father is one but he migrated to Borneo where the races there aren't restricted to the boring three. I was raised in a Kadazan-ish way and my mother, who is a convert, taught me stuff found in the Christian bible. Mum's side of the family are mostly Christians so it's not surprising that I know stuff about both religions. Back then, I wasn't the religious type so I wasn't really biased towards a particular religion although I'm slowly starting to learn things the Muslim way. Again, I have no issue with that. Religion isn't really the hot topic among my best friends either. Borneo's brilliant in that section: No damn serious purist like you get in West.

I ♥ learning new things. Be it learning how hit a tweener (tennis), cook the best pasta in the world, studying creepy insects, you name it. As long as its within my interest range and there are solid facts, I would gladly accept it. Not everything though. Learning how to sing like Justin Bieber isn't really my thing, if you call that singing. Studying religion is similar. Just because I am a Muslim doesn't mean I should be restricting myself to just studying the Quran and Sunnah. Some of the people (well, most really) in West Malaysia are so into Islam that when I ask questions regarding why they do certain things, they aren't able to answer. Most of their replies would be the same boring one I here all the time: "Because the Quran says so" or "Ustaz/ Ustazah told us so".

Ask me why I pray (salaat) and I'll answer you "Because it's my way of thanking God". There's no way I'll answer you "Because I'm told to".

There are many Madhhab (Mazhab) or the Muslim school of law, each with different interpretation on Islam. It is similar to that of the Christian's traditions (Catholicism, Anglicanism, etc). Malaysia happens to use the Shafi'i's jurisprudence (fiqh). I once met an Ustaz who told me that he regularly quarrels with his wife on the matter of which school to follow. He prefers the Hanbali teaching while his wife, Shafi'i's. Interestingly, there are no laws stating that Malaysians must use Shafi'i's school. Try arguing this with another Malay and see where you'll end up.

Now, as a curious person, it's normal for me to argue a lot. Honestly it's ridiculous to be in an environment where people provide such answers without ever questioning "why?". If I comment on another religion, what I will get is a this hateful disagreement that I have don't have the rights to question the Quran. In what way am I restricted this right? All monotheistic religions (Islam, Christianity and Judaism) have guides and teachings that are meant to make this world a better place. Even Buddhism have teachings that is meant to discipline yourselves. None of them are asking us to be bad people! None of them asks us to start another world war, be thieves or professing your love to Satan. Everything taught in their teachings things that makes you a better you. But it's just that, a guide. It is entirely up to you to choose your path. But to blindly follow is unacceptable to me. It's something I've found Malays doing and it annoys the hell out of me.

Bibles of the monotheistic religions contain historical-based lessons, predictions and the basic rules and regulations on what can and cannot be done. Malaysians, however, have their own understanding on Islam. They restrict themselves to the point of making Islam a jailhouse. Obviously this doesn't apply to everybody in the country but those deemed as 'typical Malays or kampungan (traditionalists)' have this kind of restricted mindsets. To be honest it makes Islam a bad religion. Other religions sounds way better! I'm not kidding. I remember a quote by a foreign visitor on  Muslims in this country:

 "When I was in Saudi Arab, I didn't see a lot of Muslims but Islam was very strong. Here I'm seeing a lot of Muslims but not a lot of Islam."

It's a sad case, really. Malaysia isn't the only Islamic country in the world but people here are acting like it is and that they're the right ones. It boils down to the culture of Malaysians, really. Islam in Malaysia is influenced by 'adat (custom)' and not the actual religion itself. A majority of them have made their customs a part of religion when the truth is you don't have to go through a lot of rubbish to be a Muslim. The Muslim marriage custom here is, to an extent, ridiculous when it comes to people who converted. Malay Muslims expect the converted to follow the Malay culture just because you have to be a Malay and practice its culture if you want to be called a Muslim. To me, if I want to be a Muslim, it doesn't matter how I do it. What matters is having faith in Him. Seek guidance from people knowledgeable in Islam. I especially love a webpost by Ederer, J. on name changing and the lifestyle after conversion. Do what you know is right but don't do what is against faith.

A religion is supposed to be simple and easy. It shouldn't be complicated and a burden to its followers. Islam so happens to be one of them but it's sad to say SOME Malaysians don't understand this concept. You DO NOT mix culture with religion and you definitely SHOULD NOT do things without questioning 'why?'. It's easy to confuse religion and culture. I understand you were brought up in such a way that you accepted everything that was taught. Spark a little bit of curiosity in what you do, it'll help you learn a lot better. I would like to point out that I'm not against the culture, the religion, nor am I against every single Malay. There are those who are very open minded and constructive about things and there are those who aren't. You have every rights to choose how you want to be.

Go ahead. Think freely.

Final notes: I would like to thank the following for contributing and reviewing this post. My girlfriend, F. Naseha for her insight and her full support. Without her, I wouldn't have been able to edit out some of the harsh comments I made. Z. Sandim for telling me people would literally kill me for doing this. It isn't my intention to stray people, I love my religion in a lot of ways but I would prefer doing it my way instead of the 'Malay way'. I have prepared my soul to be hated by a lot of people prior to writing this. My best bud, B. Too for supporting all the sh*t I write. If there's one person in the world that would always be there, it's him. A. Majanil for her review and support. This post wouldn't be a thing without her constructive comments. A big thank you to contributors who I shall not name here, ustaz-es and a few inspiring people I've met in my life. Finally, thank you for reading.

I'm halfway through memorizing Surat Al-Mulk. That's an achievement I never thought I could do 7 days ago.[EDIT] I'm almost at 30!

I am Alive - Meeting the Other Side

4 weeks ago I met her dad just before tennis. That was also the moment when my girlfriend's mum found out about me. I remember telling her that her mum would want to meet me soon, 3 months earlier than planned. 4 weeks later, it happened. Here's what happened...

2 June 2013

Went to Kg. Pandan to the mosque in front of her house to perform the Asar prayer and tennis afterwards. I wanted to approach the dad there 'cause it was the easiest way to meet him. I set up the meeting. Met him (more like SURPRISED HIM) and viola~ Done and done. I remember very well that I told her "it won't take long before mama wants to meet me. Trust me it'll be sooner than Raya."

4 Weeks Later - 30 June 2013

Had a three-day workshop with YAWA, DBKL and school teachers. Was very enlightening and I learned a ton of stuff. Unnecessary to post here. Moving on.

Lunch was uneventful but there were leftovers that were guaranteed to be dumped and wasted. Seha (my girlfriend) took the opportunity to invite her parents and siblings to finish the leftovers. I was shocked (and nervous) to hear that the mum was there with them. Oh, the butterflies.

Skipping uneventful stuffs...

So we greeted all of them (my colleague Anne was with me that time - THANK GOD) and I began chatting away. The way my girlfriend describe her mum is so unlike what she was that time. Perhaps this is how she reacts to outsiders, I guess? All I know was I wasn't the type who likes to beat around the bush so I talked and questioned everything I needed to know about her, the family and her phD thesis (I opened the conversation with this because it has been bugging me for 2 weeks). An hour earlier I couldn't control my nerves; constantly asking what should I talk about and how to control my nerves. Knowing me I'm the type of person who do not get stage frights, I was able to turn the table around. I was the one who couldn't stop talking, making jokes and teasing the whole lot as if we're friends. The only time my pie-hole was shut was when they were conversing in Kelantanese.

I am very comfortable speaking my mind out to people who deserve to listen. And her mum falls into that category. The mum is a major in psychology. Something I love. Yes, I work in a sustainable environment institute but my passion has always been psychology and human behaviour - SORRY LESTARI. I had no problem arguing back and forth with her especially on how she deals with her kids. I especially loved the part where we argued about her decision to send her sons to private schools. We talked about my family and to much surprised, she was mostly positive about me. When it comes to serious talk about human behaviour, I know I am very convincing. Prove me wrong, I dare you. After one hour, the mum offered to follow them to perform our pilgrimage next year which made my heart jumped (if it could, I would have probably barfed it out). I was beyond happy when she offered. Funny thing was a few weeks back I joked to Seha that their family would want me to join them for Umrah - and look what just happened. Haha.

After they left, Seha texted me saying that the topic in the car (and at home) was about me. Give me a reason to be unhappy about this 'cause I can't find one. 

I FEEL ALIVE.

Happiness is Subjective

This post is intended to hurt. A lot. And may contain an unnecessary amount of vulgarity.

On people around me...
I like to see myself as someone who thinks that there is good in everyone. Nobody deserves to be labelled negatively because everyone isn't always what you'd expect them to be. But sometimes the things that they do are just un-freaking-believable that calling them 'shit people' is way simpler than to help them be better. I love talking to people but I dislike making friends because I'm so damn choosy when it comes to the serious things in life. It's not that I cannot be friends with them,  I just refuse to connect with foreign wavelengths than the one I have. Sure I can joke a lot and laugh at theirs but how many of them are genuine?
All I know is I have a shit ton of close friends I love being with and some I feel comfortable opening up to. The others are just shit people to me.

On being selfish and greedy...
I can go on and on about this part but I won't.  There's only one message to say here. Those who know me well can tell you I'm one selfish son of a bitch who usually cares for himself. It doesn't apply to everything I do but it applies to things I think are important to me. I went to Lestari for two things... my girlfriend and my Masters degree. The knowledge I'll receive here is far superior to that of UiTM's. I never wanted to work in the first place but I lo and behold, I'm a Research Assistant. In all honesty, my priority is my Masters. I don't see myself wanting to help in other parts (or works) in the office. So if there are multiple assignments to do, I'll always prioritize those related to my Masters first. Me first, you second rule.

On relationships...
Being close to my girlfriend is the only thing that makes me happy. I don't like taking to a lot of people. I don't find comfort in that. The truth is I use to have a bunch of scandals and several serious girlfriends but none of them really worked. I'm dating someone I know I want to settle down with permanently now. The problem is I'm not sure if I'll ever be what I used to be. In relationships it's a well known fact that sacrifices have to be made. But what if that sacrifice only comes from me? I'm not that demanding in relationships I just don't have the fucking patience to be patient. I'm happy when I'm close to my girlfriend.  I'm happy when she is happy. I love trying to adapt to each other because the process bonds us stronger. So why this post? Why am I not happy? I mean I've been through a lot to convince my parents I want to marry her. And I've done a lot to get to know her family.  Adapting to her requires a huge sacrifice from my part which I am willing to do. I don't force her to go out or to do whatever I do. Why can't she see that? I never knew such person existed in this world. Nothing could ever change my mind to end this relationship. My feelings for her is real. Hers? I'm not sure. She didn't have to try hard at all in this relationship. So who's being so fucking inconsiderate here? I've agreed to adapt to her lifestyle and she doesn't have to adapt to mine any longer ('cause she stripped it all away).

I seriously do not have the time to read through my post again so forgive any spelling and grammatical errors and sorry for the language. I need to blurt out what I'm feeling 'cause I don't see whom I can talk to ATM.

Attempt #1

He felt an emotional ping in his chest. A feeling he knew was wrong but nearly impossible to ignore. Love. He vowed not to get involved in it again or at least not before his life achievements are achieved. But he couldn't help himself. It was just days after his confession to her. A mutual feeling that both kept buried deep within their hearts thinking the other will never know it. 

Was it a mistake?, he asked himself. For three years he has always wanted to tell her. Wanted her to know that she has stolen his heart. But to let her know was a suicide. Not until we're ready, he thought back then. What they had in common was a mystery even to himself. She was a genius like him and that's the only thing they shared. Plus, he knew there was nothing in him that she would be interested in at all.

He was heavily intoxicated when it happened. A text message sent through alcohol and a delusion he would be rejected beyond imaginable cause. It wasn't until he hit the 'send' button he regretted what he had done. How stupid he felt that time. A few minutes passed when the familiar musical chime buzzed through his phone's speaker. He read her reply and was shocked.

"I like you too".

Impossible.