My Brain is a Murderer

"I did it not because I was angry. Nor was it a warning to tell you how angry I was. I could have stopped myself. But I didn't. So why did I do something that I know I would regret later? I'll tell you why: BECAUSE I WANTED TO"

The human psyche is an interesting thing to study. By reading a lot of books, rummaging through the plethora of information in the Internet, or even signing up for courses will give you enough knowledge you'll ever need to know on psychology. Unless you're dreaming of becoming a psychiatrist. I know I wanted to be one if not for the fact I have to memorize loads of jargon I don't intend to ever use. I prefer understanding how things work without jamming my brain. I didn't give up the dream, though. I read a lot. And I mean a lot. Up to the point of taking interest in how everyone around me behaves. I'm obsessed with the way they talk, think, eat, habits, etc. And as disgusting as this sounds, I even care about the menstrual cycle of the women I talk to.

As of late, I'm beginning to see the crazy side of myself. This obsession of mine is increasingly making my insomnia worse. I am the type that cannot fall asleep at night because my brain refuses to stop thinking. What have I tried: counting sheep, listening to extra soothing music to religious-therapy and yet, I still cannot fall asleep. And that's the least of my problems. The more I study about human psychology, the more sinister my cognition becomes. The quote above isn't from a movie nor did it come from literature. It's actually something I said after doing something so wrong, yet it felt so right. I enjoyed it. I cried afterwards because I regretted ever doing it but it soon became a cry of joy. I join in useless conversations with people not because I want to talk but I'm more interested in the way they talk and solve problems.

What really sets me off is this 'behaviour' of mine is making me more anti-social than before. It used to be me talking (real talk, not the professional-sake talk) to at least 5-6 people a day and now it's down to 1 or 2. The need to interact with people is becoming so pointless to me. Dialogues I have with the person I feel like talking to is taken place in my head. If you don't like how the real person wants to talk to you, why not make up your own, right? I talk to myself all the time. Even writing this blog makes my head dizzy because there are at least 10 different personalities in my head screaming suggestions. It is the same voices that tell me that I don't need to interact with others.

That is, of course, unless you're a lady. I have a soft heart for them. But not just any lady. The women I talk to are filtered through many specific demands my brain sets for me. Talking to them makes me feel like an attention whore but somehow I think my head says it's the right thing to do. Talking to them shuts all but one voice in my head: MINE. However their counterpart doesn't really have the same honour. I restrict my conversations with guys to those I deem as best friends. Good luck making me talk to guys or staying friends with one. My criteria for being a friend is so strict and I intend to make it stay that way.

Sometimes I sit to think what has made me become like this. I can advice others everyday and give lectures on my understanding of psychology (even in religious ways) but if I apply them to myself, I go haywire. It's scaring me. I'm honestly scared of myself now. The next time I approach you to talk, stop and think: Am I really talking to you because I want to? Because I need the company? Or are you just another guinea pig to me?

Currently there are 5 women and 3/4 guys I love talking to regularly. You know who you are.

I would like to personally congratulate Faten Najjah for getting straight As in her 2013 PMR. I never did doubt her anyway. Her blog's called Dreaming and I've always been a fan of her blog as she deals with everyday issues and always going back to religion to lift her spirit. Her post on a non-muslim studying Islam (here) is by far my favourite one so far. 

Freedom of Thoughts

DISCLAIMER: This post is NOT meant to hurt anybody's feelings or stray them away from their beliefs. I respect the people around me, even those who disagrees with what I'm about to write. I would like to apologize if this post affects you negatively. You're always allowed to provide feedback in the comments section below.

Dear readers, I plead that you keep an open mind about the subject matter. 

Sunan Ibnu Majah, Book of Sunnah. Image from http://sunnah.com/urn/1252290

I am a Muslim. It has always been that way. I have no real issue on being one nor do I have any problems with the teaching of the Quran. What seems to be the problem is the place where I come from.

I am a Malaysian. It has always been that way. My desire to migrate to another country is there but my desire to stay here is there too. I can give you 101 reasons why I should stay. Its food, its peace(-ish), its natural areas and many more.

Unfortunately one of them isn't THE PEOPLE.

In this country, if you're a Muslim you're most likely a Malay. My father is one but he migrated to Borneo where the races there aren't restricted to the boring three. I was raised in a Kadazan-ish way and my mother, who is a convert, taught me stuff found in the Christian bible. Mum's side of the family are mostly Christians so it's not surprising that I know stuff about both religions. Back then, I wasn't the religious type so I wasn't really biased towards a particular religion although I'm slowly starting to learn things the Muslim way. Again, I have no issue with that. Religion isn't really the hot topic among my best friends either. Borneo's brilliant in that section: No damn serious purist like you get in West.

I ♥ learning new things. Be it learning how hit a tweener (tennis), cook the best pasta in the world, studying creepy insects, you name it. As long as its within my interest range and there are solid facts, I would gladly accept it. Not everything though. Learning how to sing like Justin Bieber isn't really my thing, if you call that singing. Studying religion is similar. Just because I am a Muslim doesn't mean I should be restricting myself to just studying the Quran and Sunnah. Some of the people (well, most really) in West Malaysia are so into Islam that when I ask questions regarding why they do certain things, they aren't able to answer. Most of their replies would be the same boring one I here all the time: "Because the Quran says so" or "Ustaz/ Ustazah told us so".

Ask me why I pray (salaat) and I'll answer you "Because it's my way of thanking God". There's no way I'll answer you "Because I'm told to".

There are many Madhhab (Mazhab) or the Muslim school of law, each with different interpretation on Islam. It is similar to that of the Christian's traditions (Catholicism, Anglicanism, etc). Malaysia happens to use the Shafi'i's jurisprudence (fiqh). I once met an Ustaz who told me that he regularly quarrels with his wife on the matter of which school to follow. He prefers the Hanbali teaching while his wife, Shafi'i's. Interestingly, there are no laws stating that Malaysians must use Shafi'i's school. Try arguing this with another Malay and see where you'll end up.

Now, as a curious person, it's normal for me to argue a lot. Honestly it's ridiculous to be in an environment where people provide such answers without ever questioning "why?". If I comment on another religion, what I will get is a this hateful disagreement that I have don't have the rights to question the Quran. In what way am I restricted this right? All monotheistic religions (Islam, Christianity and Judaism) have guides and teachings that are meant to make this world a better place. Even Buddhism have teachings that is meant to discipline yourselves. None of them are asking us to be bad people! None of them asks us to start another world war, be thieves or professing your love to Satan. Everything taught in their teachings things that makes you a better you. But it's just that, a guide. It is entirely up to you to choose your path. But to blindly follow is unacceptable to me. It's something I've found Malays doing and it annoys the hell out of me.

Bibles of the monotheistic religions contain historical-based lessons, predictions and the basic rules and regulations on what can and cannot be done. Malaysians, however, have their own understanding on Islam. They restrict themselves to the point of making Islam a jailhouse. Obviously this doesn't apply to everybody in the country but those deemed as 'typical Malays or kampungan (traditionalists)' have this kind of restricted mindsets. To be honest it makes Islam a bad religion. Other religions sounds way better! I'm not kidding. I remember a quote by a foreign visitor on  Muslims in this country:

 "When I was in Saudi Arab, I didn't see a lot of Muslims but Islam was very strong. Here I'm seeing a lot of Muslims but not a lot of Islam."

It's a sad case, really. Malaysia isn't the only Islamic country in the world but people here are acting like it is and that they're the right ones. It boils down to the culture of Malaysians, really. Islam in Malaysia is influenced by 'adat (custom)' and not the actual religion itself. A majority of them have made their customs a part of religion when the truth is you don't have to go through a lot of rubbish to be a Muslim. The Muslim marriage custom here is, to an extent, ridiculous when it comes to people who converted. Malay Muslims expect the converted to follow the Malay culture just because you have to be a Malay and practice its culture if you want to be called a Muslim. To me, if I want to be a Muslim, it doesn't matter how I do it. What matters is having faith in Him. Seek guidance from people knowledgeable in Islam. I especially love a webpost by Ederer, J. on name changing and the lifestyle after conversion. Do what you know is right but don't do what is against faith.

A religion is supposed to be simple and easy. It shouldn't be complicated and a burden to its followers. Islam so happens to be one of them but it's sad to say SOME Malaysians don't understand this concept. You DO NOT mix culture with religion and you definitely SHOULD NOT do things without questioning 'why?'. It's easy to confuse religion and culture. I understand you were brought up in such a way that you accepted everything that was taught. Spark a little bit of curiosity in what you do, it'll help you learn a lot better. I would like to point out that I'm not against the culture, the religion, nor am I against every single Malay. There are those who are very open minded and constructive about things and there are those who aren't. You have every rights to choose how you want to be.

Go ahead. Think freely.

Final notes: I would like to thank the following for contributing and reviewing this post. My girlfriend, F. Naseha for her insight and her full support. Without her, I wouldn't have been able to edit out some of the harsh comments I made. Z. Sandim for telling me people would literally kill me for doing this. It isn't my intention to stray people, I love my religion in a lot of ways but I would prefer doing it my way instead of the 'Malay way'. I have prepared my soul to be hated by a lot of people prior to writing this. My best bud, B. Too for supporting all the sh*t I write. If there's one person in the world that would always be there, it's him. A. Majanil for her review and support. This post wouldn't be a thing without her constructive comments. A big thank you to contributors who I shall not name here, ustaz-es and a few inspiring people I've met in my life. Finally, thank you for reading.

I'm halfway through memorizing Surat Al-Mulk. That's an achievement I never thought I could do 7 days ago.[EDIT] I'm almost at 30!