THESIS: The one thing that shatters students' heads

Today I've experienced level one of Hell. It wasn't as hot as you would imagine though. It was this cold, dark and empty feeling that encompassed me like being in a world of nothingness. A void, I would say. It all started when I woke up at 4 a.m. today. It might sound like it's nothing but I DON'T wake up at that hour especially when I was dead tired the day before. So I was kind of moody in Law class and extremely drowsy in Tech-environment class. This happens to me sometimes so I was hardly shocked by it.

Then we had a meeting after Techno. A meeting which I knew the topic of discussion was. THESIS. I knew the day before that our lecturers were going to announce something about thesis to the semester 4 (which I'm in) and semester 6 (Thesis batch) students. So they went on about what thesis is all about (yeah, hardly anything new) and stuff relating to it. Then they dropped the bombshell. Sem 4 students have to submit our proposals in 2 months. That's 2 semesters ahead of schedule! BOOM.

Have you ever felt like you just lost something dearly, something precious like a family member that just passed away? I'm sure you have. It doesn't hit you straight away rather it takes its time...slowly creeping in your head until you feel like the world around you doesn't exist anymore. That’s exactly how I felt this afternoon. I looked like a zombie after a few hours. Even typing this seems hard simply because my head is so darn ‘saturated’ with Nothing.  Wondering what I’m worried about? It’s definitely not the thesis report because everybody knows how good I am with reports. What I’m not good at is finding a topic. I’ve been thinking about research topics since the announcement and I’ve come up with a few ‘exciting’ ones. The problem is none of them are viable because my sample populations are not easily approachable. What am I interested in this course? What do I like researching about? I don’t know! I honestly don’t know! Dear Gods in Heaven/s, how am I supposed to survive like this? The burden of all burdens a Degree student can feel has been imposed on me.

P/s: I won’t be in Shah Alam next week (3/10/11). I’ll be away with my batch conducting our studio project at Cameron Highlands, Pahang. I’m in charge of the video recording and ‘show host’ for my group. Since I have 2 separate memory cards and a spare battery I guess I’ll be doing videos for this blog/YouTube. I’ll see you guys next time :D PEACE.

Honestly Dunno How to Name This...

Last night I had a bad dream. The dream itself was nothing but the experience was bizarre. I was half conscious and half asleep. Anyways, that's not the point. LOL. Why mention it, right?

Do you appreciate what you have? Honestly think about it. If someone were to come up to me and ask that I would take a moment before answering it. The only reason why I say yes is to avoid being lectured. Nobody's gonna lecture me here so truthfully: I don't know. I do appreciate what I have and the people around me but I don't appreciate myself. I am not a happy person like how people see me. I hate myself all the time without any reason. Ugh. Life isn't easy, I know. This semester isn't easy for me. I'm seriously thinking of quitting but my parents told me to just go on eventhough non of us actually agree that I'm in UiTM. My mum told me this morning that my English is getting sh*ttier and I can't blame her. Ever since I entered UiTM I noticed that. I used to be in a 90% English speaking environment and now it took a 360 degrees turn. My best friends were over for the weekend last week and one of them actually used Malay and I was in utter shock. I think he's feeling the pressure himself. They are so little people in West Malaysia that actually speaks full English. I know one of my juniors that does and I kinda like speaking to her. Wish there are more of us. Anyways, I've decided that after I get my degree I'll either take my Masters or get a double degree in something that I actually like. I'm really hating life. That's why I have friends around me to take my mind of things. Thanks for being there, everyone.

P/S: Novak Djokovic won the US Open this morning. It was predictable in a way but I seriously thought Nadal had a chance. Oh well. Congratulations, Novak.