The human psyche is an interesting thing to study. By reading a lot of books, rummaging through the plethora of information in the Internet, or even signing up for courses will give you enough knowledge you'll ever need to know on psychology. Unless you're dreaming of becoming a psychiatrist. I know I wanted to be one if not for the fact I have to memorize loads of jargon I don't intend to ever use. I prefer understanding how things work without jamming my brain. I didn't give up the dream, though. I read a lot. And I mean a lot. Up to the point of taking interest in how everyone around me behaves. I'm obsessed with the way they talk, think, eat, habits, etc. And as disgusting as this sounds, I even care about the menstrual cycle of the women I talk to.
As of late, I'm beginning to see the crazy side of myself. This obsession of mine is increasingly making my insomnia worse. I am the type that cannot fall asleep at night because my brain refuses to stop thinking. What have I tried: counting sheep, listening to extra soothing music to religious-therapy and yet, I still cannot fall asleep. And that's the least of my problems. The more I study about human psychology, the more sinister my cognition becomes. The quote above isn't from a movie nor did it come from literature. It's actually something I said after doing something so wrong, yet it felt so right. I enjoyed it. I cried afterwards because I regretted ever doing it but it soon became a cry of joy. I join in useless conversations with people not because I want to talk but I'm more interested in the way they talk and solve problems.
What really sets me off is this 'behaviour' of mine is making me more anti-social than before. It used to be me talking (real talk, not the professional-sake talk) to at least 5-6 people a day and now it's down to 1 or 2. The need to interact with people is becoming so pointless to me. Dialogues I have with the person I feel like talking to is taken place in my head. If you don't like how the real person wants to talk to you, why not make up your own, right? I talk to myself all the time. Even writing this blog makes my head dizzy because there are at least 10 different personalities in my head screaming suggestions. It is the same voices that tell me that I don't need to interact with others.
That is, of course, unless you're a lady. I have a soft heart for them. But not just any lady. The women I talk to are filtered through many specific demands my brain sets for me. Talking to them makes me feel like an attention whore but somehow I think my head says it's the right thing to do. Talking to them shuts all but one voice in my head: MINE. However their counterpart doesn't really have the same honour. I restrict my conversations with guys to those I deem as best friends. Good luck making me talk to guys or staying friends with one. My criteria for being a friend is so strict and I intend to make it stay that way.
Sometimes I sit to think what has made me become like this. I can advice others everyday and give lectures on my understanding of psychology (even in religious ways) but if I apply them to myself, I go haywire. It's scaring me. I'm honestly scared of myself now. The next time I approach you to talk, stop and think: Am I really talking to you because I want to? Because I need the company? Or are you just another guinea pig to me?
Currently there are 5 women and 3/4 guys I love talking to regularly. You know who you are.
I would like to personally congratulate Faten Najjah for getting straight As in her 2013 PMR. I never did doubt her anyway. Her blog's called Dreaming and I've always been a fan of her blog as she deals with everyday issues and always going back to religion to lift her spirit. Her post on a non-muslim studying Islam (here) is by far my favourite one so far.
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